Recently I was standing in the garden as flakes drifted down around me considering that we have a totally insufficient vocabulary when it comes to snow. Yes, we have lots of lovely adjectives, adverbs and swear-words that can be both or either but it’s not good enough dammit. So I have come up with a few new words to help with the lack of snowcabulary.
WARNING!! Accumulations of sarcasm ahead!! WARNING!!
First a relevant picture to illustrate our given topic:
Snuprise! – Exclamation given when we get snow in Winter. Hold on to your seats for shocking news everyone but this happens nearly every year. Blimey.
Snizzle – The snow equivalent of drizzle. If it continues as it is, it will never really work itself into an accumulation. I am a wierdo who loves snow and if I’ve been promised snow by important people like the BBC I have been known to respond to snizzle by shaking a fist at the sky and shouting ‘You call this snow?!’
Snitting – Even feebler than snizzle, this is when one solitary, miniscule flake drifts down every few moments. It sometimes leads to people looking heavenward, pointing to the horizon and saying ‘it’s black over there’ in an ominous tone of voice and checking the met office weather app more than is ever strictly necessary.
Splotting – Vast wet flakes the size of a well-known brand of crisps floating down fast and thick but melting immediately because they’re so soggy and it’s several degrees above freezing. Hugely disappointing to a snow lover like me – like waving a pint of real ale in front of me and then throwing a pint of Fosters over my head.
Snowflizz – Small dusty flakes coming down quite fast. If it keeps it up for hours and it’s cold, snowflizz can quietly and sneakily work up to proper duvet-like accumulations.
Snidiot – the bloke who overtakes you on a snowy road in a big 4×4 who you secretly hope you’ll find in the ditch round the next bend. Except you don’t because then you’d have to stop and check he wasn’t actually dead and other such inconveniences.
Flakefrit – the state of being terrified of snow. People who are flakefrit drive at -3 miles an hour and overuse the accelerator when trying to get moving and the brake when trying to slow, thereby managing to give themselves the Ride of Terror trying to get up a gentle slope. This can be a temporary condition brought on by lack of experience or a particularly nasty snow driving experience (probably involving a snidiot).
Snowhawk – what happens when a driver is too short to reach the centre of the top of their car but tries to sweep it clear anyway giving their car a somewhat rakish snow mowhawk.
Snowpocalypse/Snowmaggedon – Snowy weather as predicted or reported upon by the UK press. OMG YOU GUYS – ARCTIC CONDITIONS – WE’RE GOING TO DIE!!!11!!! on one page. The next page is taken up by complaints that Heathrow/the council/trains/schools didn’t plan in advance for the reasonable expectation that we will have snow in winter. We should totally spend quadzillions on Sweden-like levels of infrastructure to deal with snow, even though we get it for a couple of weeks per year, rather than several months.
I do love our idiosyncrasies, particularly the weather obsession (which I share – that Met Office app is getting a bit worn down looking round the edges on my phone and I never shut up about the damn snow) but arctic? Really?
SARCASM OVER – it’s safe to come out now.